I graduated from university/college back in June, which is why I haven’t been posting on here quite as much as I would like to (or at all). It’s unfortunate, but here we are. During my first few weeks I decided to write emails to myself and save them as drafts as a means of coping with the transition from school to working full-time. Here are a few pieces I thought were worth sharing with some random images from my hard drive. I feel they’re poetic in the way they express how I was/am feeling and thinking. Looking back on writing these, I seemed to go a little heavy on the vernacular with little explanation. I didn’t intend for anyone to read them–purely just for venting purposes. A bit melodramatic, sure, but who doesn’t appreciate a bit of flair? Nonetheless, enjoy.
There’s an irony to it. I spent so much of my time in the Spring focusing on finding a job for when I graduated. I can’t tell whether it was because of a genuine desire to have something to do, the pressure of doing what’s expected of me, or some sycophantic idea of indulging in capitalism just a little bit. Regardless, here I am. Weeks of interviews, with the full intention of convincing this company to hire me–to employ me–only to dread waking up in the morning.
There was this overwhelming sentiment carried by college graduates joining the workforce to “take forth thy skills acquired and apply them. Thou art make thy alma mater proud” or some pretentious bullshit like that. What skills I had acquired in my time at school I feel withering away. All that’s left for me to apply is my time and energy.
Living this capitalist lifestyle, one I don’t have very much of a choice in being a part of–it’s heartbreaking and soul sucking. To watch fellow college graduates slowly sell their souls through forced laughter and corporate platitudes–to watch students stop learning in favor of sucking up to perceived superiors and opening themselves up to rampant deposits of information only to be used in the pursuit of a bottom line… It’s nothing like I had imagined. While I knew that corporate America had its dark side in the past, I had no idea it would be so pervasive. Even the sheer idea of doing something outside of the workplace takes energy that employees don’t have.
Orienting my life around this office feels antithetical to who I am–who I’ve become. Maybe the transition would have been easier if I didn’t resist it so much. But I don’t want to stop resisting. And even if I did, I can’t. This is one battle I cannot lose. To succumb to the serious world would be tantamount to turning my back on myself. An interesting visual to be sure, but not one to take lightly. God. There are still 28 minutes until I can leave. Fuck.
It is insanely jarring to go from getting everything done as fast as possible w/ classes to having to pace yourself because hours. If anything, the system of capitalism, in which one is compensated monetarily for work, hinders efficiency and effectiveness. It pushes employees to work slower. While that may not be true for actual stakeholders, like capital owners and company executives, there is a stark contrast between those of wealth and those without. Much like the owning of a company may be empowering, working for said company is a hindrance as it is seldom truly by choice.
Do I have a bias against businesses with more than one location? Specifically when it comes to restaurants? Or the food industry? I think I might. When it’s a singular location, especially if it’s coffee, it could be argued it’s done out of a need for survival/love for the craft, but when it grows larger it is subjected to the dilution of passion inherent to capitalism.
Thinking about Socrates’ image of the cave, are those described in the cave serious people and the sub-people who follow? The people who don’t question the system they’re buying into, and the people who run the system?
“I know a planet where there is a certain red-faced gentleman. He has never smelled a flower. He has never looked at a star. He has never loved anyone. He has never done anything in his life but add up figures. And all day he says over and over…‘I am busy with matters of consequence!’ And that makes him swell up with pride. But he is not a man—he is a mushroom!”
The muted colors, the shallow conversation, the fixation on distant objects of desires. There is no appreciation for beauty, for life. It’s heartbreaking.
I understand the desire to separate work from life, but understand the fallacy of those efforts. There is no way to disconnect the two. So what is left? Integration? In integrating the two, it would seem that one either orients work around life, or life around work. In this capitalist system, the only option seems to orient life around work. That’s the norm.
Consequentialism. Utilitarianism is used to justify the means through some end goal. Deontology is used to excuse actions on the merit of intention. Neither is complete, neither is whole.
The future feels uncertain at the moment. Usually I have a general feeling of how the progression of time will go, but it seems that I’ve reached a crossroads–a point where my street is about to branch out and it is my decision of which path to the take. No signs, no way of knowing where each road goes. It’s interesting to say the least.
I know that I have no desire for the business casual look. I have no desire for this capitalist lifestyle. What do I feel would be best? What is best? What does that mean?
What would make me happiest? I think I know. No, I know that I know. Sometimes even the most straightforward decisions are difficult. Damn it.
Why is there so much anger? So much unbalance. Hmmmm
The Verbose Vomiteer 